No, not half off coupons on a Toyota Corolla or a mattress or whatever. That would be really cliché.

Because we know how much you, the Internet, love lists, we’re counting down the greatest fake presidents. When we say fake president, we don’t just mean George W. Bush (waits for applause from likeminded crowd).

This is a list of movie and TV presidents who led our country through deadly meteors, alien attacks, and Annette Bening blowjobs.

We didn’t feature a list of real presidents because on President’s day, shouldn’t we focus on the Presidents we dream of having rather than the ones we probably deserve to get stuck with?

10. Deep Impact – President Tom Beck

Eloquent even when preparing the world for certain annihilation, President Tom Beck, played by Morgan Freeman, speaks in that calming voice-overy cadence that steered us through the more penguin-y death filled scenes of March of the Penguins.

I remember when the film was released theatrically, my South American cousin asked, “Where are all of the other world leaders? Why is the U.S. seemingly the only country that takes action during a fucking worldwide asteroid crisis?”

The answer is simple. When Morgan Freeman is president, you don’t need any other leaders. At the time, I was too young to effectively explain this, so I settled with repeatedly chanting into his ear, “U.S.A! U.S.A!”

President Beck thoroughly plans a realistic contingency plan in case the astronauts assigned to destroy the asteroid fuck it all up. Of course, the astronauts fuck it all up in their first attempt because Billy Bob Thornton is clearly no Bruce Willis.

I would have put President Beck higher on the list, but, let’s face it, Deep Impact isn’t a very good movie. I really wish President Beck could have somehow created legislation so this movie wouldn’t suck and be boring as hell.

9. Primary Colors – President Jack Stanton

It’s unfortunate Primary Colors isn’t widely remembered, because it is genuinely a decent film.

President Jack Stanton in the film is a totally original and interesting character.

He is a silver-haired, womanizing, southern politician who narrowly avoids numerous sex scandals due to his mesmerizing charisma.

How do they come up with this stuff?!

I almost didn’t include President Jack Stanton in the countdown because he is played by John Travolta.

I have nothing personal against Saturday Night Jack, but the idea of Travolta becoming president makes my stomach churn and my thetans feel nauseous.

8. The American President – President Andrew Shepherd

President Andrew Shepherd, played by Michael Douglas, has a lot in common with The West Wing’s President Bartlett.

In fact, this entire movie is basically The West Wing.

But with Annette Bening in place of Richard Schiff.

Like any good Hollywood liberal, The American President’s writer, Aaron Sorkin, would dutifully recycle material when creating The West Wing

Making this film feel a tad obsolete.

As a result, I’m sure director Rob Reiner spends his nights crying into a patty melt.

7. Frost/Nixon – President Richard Nixon

Like most Americans, I loved Frost/Nixon. I speak obviously only of the trailer, because like most Americans, I actually didn’t watch Frost/Nixon. But the fictional character of President Nixon in the trailer is by far one of my favorite fictional presidents ever.

In fact, I am even willing to overlook his hideously fake name. Nixon? Really? Who would ever vote for an ugly ass name like Nixon? Who would ever vote for an ugly ass person like Nixon? Sorry, Frank Langella, but you played an ugly dude.

Other than that, President Nixon is pretty badass.

You know that scene from the trailer where Nixon asks Frost, “Did you do any fornicating last night?” And then Frost is all like, “Whaaaaa?”

That’s a pretty great scene. Or at least I guess it’s a good scene. I’ll probably never know for sure, since that slash in the title makes the film seem a little too smart for my tastes.

6. 24 – President David Palmer

24′s President David Palmer is just plain wonderful. Although he might not be perfect and his entire family needs several walk-in closets just to begin hiding their skeletons, he is highly principled when allowing Jack Bauer to exploit our fears of terrorist attack for the sake of dramatic tension.

There are claims President David Palmer’s presence prepared America for a black president. If this is true, how come Geena Davis didn’t do shit for Hillary?

After deciding not to run for a second term, President Palmer followed in Bob Dole’s footsteps and hawked Allstate Car Insurance for a living. Many polls indicate he may even be more popular than that goddamned Geicko gecko.

Unfortunately, President Palmer was assassinated in the fifth season but by then, the only people paying attention to 24 were Keifer Sutherland and John McCain.

5. The West Wing – President Josiah Bartlet

President Josiah Bartlet is basically the most perfect president in all of media history. He might make mistakes, but at the end of the day, his firm belief in not being a realistically flawed president in any way shape or form trumps everything.

Aaron Sorkin, The West Wing’s creator, often claims he based Bartlett on Bill Clinton and his father, but I’m pretty sure he actually based Martin Sheen’s character on Mother fucking Teresa.

Bartlet’s biggest Achilles’ Heel is his Multiple Sclerosis, which mostly just recalls Franklin Delano Roosevelt, one of our most beloved real life presidents.

He’s probably the greatest fake president who is actually celebrated for doing a president’s real job instead of personally killing terrorists and aliens with his own two hands.

The only reason I’m not putting him as number one is because President Bartlet is still grounded in some reality. He is realistically unbelievable, which sounds like an oxymoron, until we get to some other fictional presidents who are truly oxymoronic, but in an amazing way.

4. Superman Comics- President Lex Luthor

Back in 2000, Superman’s arch nemesis, Lex Luthor, ran for President and won. Despite the fact he was a villain, he still managed to do a lot of good by stopping the use of fossil fuels. That’s the great thing about comics. They can fantasize about a great escapist future where we aren’t literally burning our planet from the inside out. What imaginations!

Under Luthor’s presidency, he protected Earth against an alien invasion. It was later revealed President Luthor knew about the incoming aliens and allowed them to attack Topeka, Kansas.

Superman and the rest of the Justice League are obviously aghast by this fact, but they completely ignore that FDR totally knew about Pearl Harbor and was all like, “Fuck it, dog. I’m wheeling my polio ass to bed.”

So, by this logic, President Luthor was only doing what FDR would do, and like I already mentioned, he is one of our greatest presidents.

‘Nuff said… oops, that’s Marvel’s catchphrase.

3. Super President – President James Norcross

Back in the late 60′s, NBC aired a limited animation cartoon based on the exploits of a super powered chief of state. When President James Norcross becomes zapped by cosmic rays, he acquires superpowers, transforming him into Super President.

With the power to turn his molecular composition into any substance, President Norcross can easily defeat his numerous foes, like Russian spies, domestic terrorists, and congressional leaders.

The best part, as animation historian Jerry Beck points out, is Super President’s chubby sidekick who bears strong resemblance to real life super villain, Karl Rove.

The series was short-lived since it was considered poor taste in light of the JFK assassination to depict an invulnerable president who could materialize into any substance, including a not dead president.

But now that we’ve had plenty of action hero presidents and a real life messiah president, isn’t it time to revive our first super hero president too?

I smell a tent pole picture starring Shia Lebeouf as Super Prez.

2. Independence Day – President Thomas J. Whitmore

Bill Pullman playing Thomas J. Whitmore is exactly how George W. Bush sees himself. He’s a no nonsense president who is slipping in the polls but following his inner principles. After America is attacked by foreigners (they are foreign to the planet Earth), President Whitmore rises to the occasion and personally protects freedom.

He is exactly like Bush, except, you know, he never weaseled his way out of military duty. Also, George W. Bush never climbed into a fighter jet to personally fight an enemy. Bush wisely limited his fighter jet experience to ill-conceived PR opportunities.

If the world was actually ambushed by aliens, Bush would not slip into his pilot jumper and board a military jet. He’d probably just hire a mercenary organization like Blackwater. And then they’d definitely end up killing all our good aliens, like ET, Chewbacca, and Mac from Mac and Me.

1. Air Force One – President James Marshall

Harrison Ford as President James Marshall is like Officer John McClane from Die Hard except he uses the word “fuck” a lot less. After all, we can’t have our president going around using curse words.

I’m almost certain if any president was taken hostage, they would do one of two things, a.) sell out their beloved country to save their own presidential hides or b.) die with dignity knowing we cannot compromise our values to brute force (i.e. not negotiating with terrorists). In the real world, those are the only two realistic options. But in the movie world, those are the only two COMPLETELY BORING options.

Instead, President Marshall takes matter into his own hands, ejecting an empty escape pod, killing several terrorists, and freeing many of the hostages through the plane’s parachute hanger.

When Bill Clinton saw the movie, he complained the real Air Force One didn’t have an escape pod or a parachute hanger, as if this was the only unbelievable part of the film.

Bill Clinton, let’s stop being polite and start getting real. The most unbelievable part of Air Force One isn’t the escape pod or the parachute hanger. It’s that the president of the United States acted like he was elected to pass legislation and kick ass, and he was all out of legislation. President Clinton, you can barely go for a morning job without stopping at a McDonalds.

The only time Bill Clinton ever uttered the words, “Get off my plane,” was when he wanted Al Gore to stop boring him about the fuel efficiency of the aircraft.

Closing Thoughts – President Me

Now, before you all go off the handle in the comments section bitching about how I didn’t include your favorite fake president, take a deep breath and go grill something already. Enjoy the day off. Unless of course you work in retail, in which case, get back to work you lazy bum!

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10. Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY (1991)

Skynet, the 21st century computer waging a losing war on humans sends a second terminator back in time to destroy the leader of the human resistance while he is still a boy. His mother is the only one who knows of the existence of the Terminators, human-like robots that exist only to kill and are nearly indestructible, and she, the boy’s mother, is currently in a state mental hospital because of her ‘delusions’. A second protector is sent back to the past by the Human resistance to protect John Connor, their future leader, at all costs. All in order to protect her son, the future leader of the resistance against the machines, Sarah kicks a sizable amount of ass.

9. Lori Petty as Tank Girl (Rebecca) TANK GIRL (1995)

Tank Girl (Rebecca) and her friends are the only remaining citizens living in the wasteland that is Earth, where all the remaining water is controlled by Water and Power, the mega corporation/government that runs the territory. While incarcerated at W + P, Tank Girl and her new friend Jet Girl break out and steal… a tank and a jet. After meeting some mutant kangaroo/humans, and rescuing her little girl (adopted by her friends), the kangaroos and the girls kick Water and Powers’ ass. Based on a comic series, it tends to take a more comedic approach to the subject, but there is little doubt that Tank Girl kicks ass.

8. Michelle Yeoh & Zhang Ziyi as Yu Shu Lien & Jen Yu CROUCHING TIGER HIDDEN DRAGON (2000)

Wo hu cang long (Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon) is a timeless story that takes place in QING China when miracles were credible and spirits and gods were present in man’s world. It is not unbelievable that zen warriors float through the air, skim the water and battle in trees and on rooftops. Pain, revenge and duty are the stuff that bind us in this world and are the main plot line of the movie, but in the afterlife love and faith linger on. Along with Li Mu Bai (Chow Yun Fat), the ladies in this movie are graceful and downright deadly.

7. Uma Thurman as Beatrix Kiddo (The Bride) KILL BILL VOL. I-II (2003-4)

The lead character, called ‘The Bride,’ was a member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, lead by her lover ‘Bill.’ Upon realizing she was pregnant with Bill’s child, ‘The Bride’ decided to escape her life as a killer. She fled to Texas, met a young man, and on the day of their wedding was gunned down by an angry and jealous Bill (with the assistance of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad). Four years later, ‘The Bride’ wakes from a coma, and discovers her baby is gone. She, then, decides to seek revenge upon the five people who destroyed her life and killed her baby. Beatrix absolutely goes all out as she individually hunts and eliminates every member of the D.V.A.S., finally getting to Bill, her desired target. Kicks ass!

6. Carrie Fischer as Princess Leia THE STAR WARS TRILOGY (1977-1983)

Snide, snarky, and about as un-princess-like as one could be, Leia Organa takes charge of her rag-tag rescue band from the moment Han, Luke, and Chewie release her from the cell block. Defiant, cock-sure, and a natural leader, Leia eventually safely delivers the Death Star plans to the Rebel resistance via R2-D2 and sets into motion the utter collapse and downfall of the Galactic Empire. If there was any Imperial ass to kick, Leia was there with blaster in hand. And was there ever any doubt that she’d eventually hook up with a galactic smuggler?

5. Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft TOMB RAIDER (2001-03)

Based on the popular video game series, Tomb Raider features the adventures of Lara Croft an antiquities hunter-for-hire. She travels to exotic locales in search of treasures and artifacts in the catacombs of ancient tombs and ruins remaining from age-old empires. A female Indiana Jones, Croft’s expeditions are always chock full of action, danger, intrigue, suspense and her omnipresent knack for defying death in skin-tight outfits. Looking good and kicking ass is a winning combination.

4. Sheri Moon Zombie as Baby Firefly HOUSE OF A 1000 CORPSES & THE DEVILS REJECTS (2003-05)

The sequel to ‘House of 1000 Corpses’, ‘The Devil’s Rejects,’ takes place a few months later with the Texas State Police making a full-scale attack against the murderous Firefly family residence for the 1,000+ murders and disappearances of the past several years. But three of the family members escape, including Otis, Baby Firefly and Baby’s father Captain Spaulding. The evil trio go on a road trip, leaving dozens of mangled bodies in their wake. Evading a massive Texas Rangers dragnet as well as a group of equally murderous bounty hunters led by Ken Dwyer (the brother of a policeman Mamma Firefly killed in ‘House of…’) who’s obsessed with finding the deadly killers, the surviving Firefly clan gather at a run-down amusement park owned by Captain Spaulding’s half-brother, Charlie Altamont, who offers them shelter and a new base of operations for their killing spree as Sheriff Dwyer, the Texas Rangers, the FBI and others slowly close in. Though gruesome and sadistic, Baby kicks all kinds of ass.

3. Devon Aoki as Miho SIN CITY (2005)

“Sin City” is infested with criminals, crooked cops and sexy dames, some searching for vengeance, some for redemption and others, both. The film incorporates storylines from three of Miller’s graphic novels including ‘Sin City,’ which launched the long-running, critically acclaimed series, as well as ‘That Yellow Bastard’ and ‘The Big Fat Kill.’ Where Hartigan, a cop with a bum ticker and a vow to protect stripper Nancy. Marv, the outcast misanthrope, is on a mission to avenge the death of his one true love, Goldie; there’s also Dwight, the clandestine love of Shelley who spends his nights defending Gail and her Old Towne girls from Jackie Boy, a dirty cop with a penchant for violence. Miho resides in Old Towne and with one word from Gail, the appointed matriarch, Miho dispatches raiders and men alike with razor-sharp accuracy. She kicks serious ass.

2. Mila Jovovich as Alice RESIDENT EVIL, RE: APOCALYPSE, RE: EXTINCTION (2002-07)

A virus has escaped into a secret facility called “The Hive,” which chemically turns the staff (Umbrella Corporation) into man-eating zombies and releasing the mutated lab animals that they were studying. The complex computer (The Red Queen) shuts down the base to prevent further infection. The parent corporation sends in a military unit, where they meet Alice who has only a short time to remember who she is and the state of her mission, and is suffering from amnesia due to the nerve gas released into her bathroom. The military must shut down the computer (The Red Queen) and make their way back out of the Hive. Fighting their way past zombies, mutants and The Red Queen before the T-Virus escapes and effects the rest of the world. Its up to Alice to defeat the virus, if she loses, we all lose. And yes, she defeats them so thoroughly through three well-made films, kicking zombie ass all the way through.

1. Sigourney Weaver as Ellen Ripley ALIEN, ALIENS, ALIEN 3, ALIEN RESURRECTION (1979-97)

Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver), the sole survivor of the alien attack on the mining ship Nostromo, awakens half a century later when she is found by a salvage ship. The welcome given to her by the “Company” officials is far from warm, since they refuse to believe her discovery of alien existence and strip her off her flight officer’s license. Ripley also discovers, much to her horror, that the planet LV-426 where her crew had encountered an alien species for the first time, is now colonized by the company. But when all contact from the planet is lost Ripley is called back into action again as an advisor to a team of tough space marines with lots of firepower. To get rid of her recurrent nightmares about the alien creature, Ripley prepares for a final battle with the monsters – and this time, there are hundreds of them out there. Going from unwitting recipient to a monsters attack, to a vicious military scourge, to a prisoner, to an alien/human hybrid, Ellen Ripley kicks ass for 200 solid years. The very best of the best.